Robin Richards talks about her path through addiction to recovery. As with any addiction, it's not so simple as substance abuse. This is the first of two episodes.
About Robin Richards:
Robin Richards, M.A., Ed.S., is pioneering empowered healing with education, inspiration and support through complementary therapies, teaching and coaching at Robin's WellNest. Robin has worked tirelessly to transform her childhood and adult trauma into triumph while inspiring and supporting others along the way.
www.robinswellnest.com
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Amy Hallberg 0:00
I don't even know what to say about this episode. The world is hard right now. And a lot of people are struggling with addictions. A lot of people are struggling. So when my friend Robin Richards spoke openly on Facebook about the anniversary of her sobriety, I wanted to have her come on. That led to two fascinating conversations about her past because her past led her both to her addictions, and to a great deal of wisdom and healing. So here's the first of the two episodes all about her addiction and recovery from it. Episode 61. This podcast presents conversation with and for real life creatives on how we find and keep walking our unique paths. I'm your host, Amy Hallberg, welcome to my world. Today, I'm talking with Robin Richards in the first of two episodes about addiction and recovery.
Amy Hallberg 1:16
So I am here today with my friend Robin Richards. How are you, Robin?
Robin Richards 1:20
I'm doing very, very well
Amy Hallberg 1:22
It is so good to talk to you. And I'm so grateful to you for being here. You know, I reached out to you because you had posted very publicly on Facebook, that it was your anniversary of your sobriety. And I wanted to talk with you about that. Because when people have substance abuse, or any kind of addiction issue, really, it's not really about the alcohol, let's say or the marijuana or whatever the abuse is around, it's not really about the substance. And I know you well enough to know that there's a much deeper story here. So would you like to just share the genesis of what happened for you?
Robin Richards 2:04
Yeah, well, I just appreciate you so much, you know, recognizing the truth of what addiction really is, which it's not like you said about the substances, there's always a story behind it. And we are multi dimensional people that all have stories, and my story began with pretty significant childhood trauma. You know, some trauma is what we would call like small T's where repetitive things happen throughout a long duration of time. Mine was a big T. So my mom was the victim of domestic violence. When I was one month into kindergarten, she was murdered by her then husband, who was my stepfather. And I witnessed the entire event. And I survived it. And because of that witnessing, there was also you know, I was living in two different households, because my parents had divorced and the home where my mom was eventually murdered was, you know, rife with abuse, both physical and for me emotional. After she was killed, I was in such a wonderful home and community and was given all of the therapy and was really supported. But, you know, there was just so much more that came up throughout my life, especially because when you're dealing with a death, the person dies, when you're dealing with a murder, you still have the perpetrator of that murder, and my mom's murderer was first eligible for parole when I entered college. So my entire adult life I have been dealing with either parole or eventually his eventual release from prison. And it turned my trauma from PTSD into complex PTSD, because it created a situation where I was reliving the event, I was in new states of fear and challenge. And then, you know, my life was full of challenges, traumas, just as everybody says, you know, as you're experiencing life beyond, you know, witnessing my mother's murder, but that was really what impacted me the most as I was growing up. And, you know, research is showing that trauma is stored in our bodies and actually gets stored in your DNA and you pass trauma down. And for me, the trauma manifested in my body in a lot of different ways, dealing with some mood disorders with anxiety and depression, but another was that I had really extreme infertility issues when I decided that I truly did want to be a mother myself, which took a long journey to get there. Then eventually I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which I am managing very well right now through a lot of combining conventional and complementary healing practices, that autoimmune diseases called Hashimotos. And I truly believe that it manifested because again of the trauma that I had. And then throughout my entire life, from the time that I was a teenager on I started as most teenagers do when I started dabbling with substances like marijuana and alcohol, I had a very strong affinity for them, because they produce this immediate numbing sensation that allowed me to escape what I was feeling all of the time in my body, marijuana was, by far my drug of choice, mainly because I could function normally and I actually could function. Sometimes I felt in a more elevated way than I wanted to show up in the world where alcohol you know, that's more variable, that one I had to be careful with. But still I was always a binge drinker, we also are in a culture of binge drinking. And it was supported and it was okay that I drink the way that I did and in many ways that I was smoking pot, the way that I was. I knew that I had some addiction issues in my family. And I also could feel the addiction myself and was aware of it like on a subconscious level. Even I had smoked cigarettes, and I was always trying to quit. So that's what kept me, I have a very strong sense of determination. And so I stayed away from the harder drugs of like cocaine and even acid and, you know, crystal meth, things like that. I've been exposed to all of them. But I knew that if I started that level that there was going to be no going back. You know, eventually if my marijuana use morphed into a medicinal prescription because Complex PTSD, PTSD, we live here in the state of Minnesota, August of 2017, was legalized for medicinal purposes, then it was kind of like I had fairplay to be high, all of the time.
Amy Hallberg 7:10
I'd like to just insert a little context here. Because when I met you, you were a teacher. You were badass.
Robin Richards 7:18
I was a leader, for sure. Yeah, I don't know about badass. But...
Amy Hallberg 7:22
Well, I mean, like, I really respected you because you were like, strong. You work with kids who were what we call EBD. Emotional behavior disorder, right? Like the kids who are having challenges, and you fought for those kids, you protected those kids, you believed in those kids, you cared about doing things that were going to make them better human beings, right, to empower them?
Robin Richards 7:46
Yeah, you know, one thing that all that taught me is that every single person has infinite growth potential. And even though I was battling my demons and using substances, I was extremely, and I still am even now as sober, high functioning, and very focused on creating not just a better world for myself, but for everyone around me, like I am a fighter for those things. And for those causes.
Amy Hallberg 8:17
So even though you had your own personal hurting, and things you hadn't addressed, or a lot of things that you still needed to work through, we can function at a pretty high level for a pretty long time, before we face stuff that we just don't want to go back to.
Robin Richards 8:35
Yeah, some people longer than others, how you're kind of wired, and also what your motivations are. But, you know, I was a high school math teacher, and I had my bachelor's degree and was teaching by the time that I was 21. And, you know, graduated magna cum laude, from my bachelor's degree, and then went on and did my master's and my education specialist degree, and got my principal license. And so you know, I was a, I was a leader, and I was involved at high levels, with multiple things, including one you know, when I was in active use, I was a weightwatchers leader as a side gig, really committed to wellness and helping inspire, you know, adults in our community around being healthy. And well, one of the things that has been a big piece for me and I just, I appreciate so much that you shifted our conversation because we often get stuck in like though, what it was and what the substance abuse looked like or what the trauma really looked like, but that's not what you visually see all of the time on the outside. That's what's going on on the inside and behind closed doors and what's going on concurrently and still is just as good is that you know, being a good friend and a good daughter and a good wife and a good mother and an awesome teacher and a leader and you know all of these things, right, we are more complex than one definition that we give ourselves. And so the post that spurred conversation between you and I announcing my sobriety, you know, I've called it, it was my coming out, it was an anniversary of three years being alcohol free, about two years being marijuana free and one full year of being completely substance free, because I did have an Ativan, which is like a Xanax prescription for my anxiety that was being supervised by a psychiatrist. But the way that benzos operate in your body, especially for someone with addiction issues, it was very complex for me to navigate. And it, I needed to be clear of all substances other than I do indulge in caffeine now once in a while, and some sugar. But that's what I needed for me to define my sobriety. And so I came out and announced that, and I didn't do it because I wanted to have a pat on the back, I wanted to educate people, because I have been fairly active with social media, especially, you know, showing pictures of my family and things that we do, and being a mental health advocate. And it just to me was like my full revealing to the world of like, this is truly the depth of what a person's character looks like. And there are things going on behind the scenes.
Amy Hallberg 11:26
Right. And you shared that with me. So part of the reason I reached out is because I already knew a lot of that story, we've talked, both of us have gone through various traumas that we've shared. So for example, I mentioned to you that this podcast used to be called Frau Amy's World, because one of my sources of wounding was that I had identified so fully as a German teacher, and then I lost that. And then I changed it because I'm not Frau Amy anymore. That's not who I am. That's who I was. For you. You mentioned motherhood. Motherhood was something that you consciously chose to pursue. And yet that was also the the source of your greatest wounding. So do you want to talk about how that was both a catalyst for you to fall apart? As well as a catalyst for you to come through and heal things you couldn't have healed any other way?
Robin Richards 12:28
Yeah, well, that's a deep question there
Amy Hallberg 12:31
Sorry, loaded one for you
Robin Richards 12:34
No, I love it. So what I have to speak about is the fact that trauma gets stored in, like I mentioned in your body, but in a variety of ways. And some of those are in ways that fix your mindset around like your identity, and just what you believe. And I, as I mentioned, was a high school math teacher, I have a strong affinity for numbers. And so numbers really meant something to me. And when my mom was murdered, I believed that she was 30 years old. That's just how old I thought that she was. And so I backwards planned my life. Because I only believe that I was going to live to be 30 years old. Everyone told me that I was just like my mom. And so that's just like, what got stored somewhere in me was that I was going to die myself. But I knew I wanted to be a teacher. So I had plan that I was going to go through school and I wanted to have my doctorate by the time that I was 30. I didn't have any plans for children, for a husband, I do identify as a female, and use pronouns she/her and I am heterosexual. I didn't see those things, though it as part of my plan. I didn't have you know, Pinterest didn't exist back then. But I didn't have a Pinterest board with wedding photos on it. It just wasn't part of how I was operating, especially only 30 years. So what was I going to get done. But I ended up meeting a man. We met when I was a freshman in college. And he just, it was like the universe just kept bringing him and like, hitting me over the head with him. And we ended up getting married when we were 26 and 27. And I held him off because he did want kids and I said yeah, probably but like somewhere in my subconscious, I just didn't believe I lived to be 30. And then I did. And I did achieve some other goals as well. I didn't get my doctorate, but I did get my administrative license, which is an education specialist degree. And so that was... things were just coming together. And then I hit 30 and I'm like, Whoa, I'm still here. And oh my gosh, this yearning, it exists. It's who I am. And it wasn't just like, Oh, I think I want kids it was like I am meant and made to be a mother like I am a caretaker and a nurture and a teacher and like all of these things that a mom is and I am made to be a mom. And I've been rejecting it my whole life because I was rejecting the good parts of who my mother was. And some part of me was taking on more of the negative aspects of like, the trauma and her murder. And so even me, like rejecting wanting to be in a relationship, rejecting wanting to be a mom, but when I hit that threshold that really opened something up for me. And then I eventually learned that it was actually 33 that she she was killed, that was the age that she died. But still the 30 threshold was huge. And then when we started to try to have children, it was to no avail. And so the the infertility struggles that we had, you know, we ended up doing inner uterine inseminations, which are IUIs, and we had five failed IUI procedures, which my body, when I did eventually get pregnant, did amazingly well being pregnant. My body just didn't want to get pregnant at the time. And so, you know, I never experienced a miscarriage, but I can deeply understand because each time I had a procedure done, I, you know, thought I was pregnant until the next time that I went through my cycle.
Amy Hallberg 16:17
Can I just ask, was there a moment when, almost like, your mind was like, okay, yes, I want to and your spirit was like, Yes, I want to, but was there a moment where you had to give your body permission? Or somehow you really relaxed into okay, this really can happen? Or no?
Robin Richards 16:34
Yeah, you know, there's a profound moment, actually. So we ended up going to the Center for Reproductive Medicine as our last stop on our journey, and doing an in-vitro fertilization procedure. And when I got introduced to that center, they talked about a support group called resolve. And my husband and I went to a meeting there. And they gave us, they had CDs for sale that had meditations on them. And so we would do a meditation together, where we like envisioned, getting pregnant and allowing and like it was a physical thing about you know, your body, like envisioning that the egg is implanting and fertilizing and all of those things. And so yeah, you know, when you said that, that triggered a memory that I haven't thought of in a long time, but it was definitely an opening, like a surrendering is what I would call it, to allowing my body to do what it naturally wanted to do. But it was very wild. Because even my IVF procedure, the doctor didn't want to proceed, my body only had produced two follicles but from each of those follicles, I pushed them forward, we had to extend all of the you know, daily shots and all of that it was supposed to be four weeks, it ended up going we want six and a half weeks. But from both follicles I got two eggs, and both of them fertilized, we implanted both of them, and I ended up getting pregnant with my now daughter, Rowan, with one of them. The other piece for me that is part of my trauma is the man who murdered my mom was released finally from prison in the summer of 2014. And I got pregnant in October of 2015. And so I believe on a deep soul level that I needed to know, I was going to be able to survive and not live in a state of constant terror and fear in order to allow myself to have a baby and bring a baby into this world.
Amy Hallberg 18:31
So in an upcoming episode, we're actually going to talk about that forgiveness and what that took. But for just now, when you did get pregnant, were you expecting that motherhood would bring up so many triggers, would be a catalyst for in some ways your downfall from this life that you had constructed? It really tore your life apart, did you expect that?
Robin Richards 18:58
I did not, you know, I lived my life expecting an end game 30 I'm going to not live past 30. And then it was like, well, now I need for the murderer to be released from prison, boom, that happened. And now it was like, now I need to get pregnant. And then that happened. And then I had the baby. And you know, when I was pregnant, that was one of the best times of my life. I mean, pregnancy is challenging. But as far as I wasn't using substances during that time, because I had this higher purpose. It truly was like a calling for me to become a mother and then I was in education. And so everything for me operates in school years and I had my daughter in July of 2015. And I took a leave of absence to be able to stay home with her for her first year of life because I had such a struggle having her and I just wanted to have that bonding time and we didn't know if we'd be able to have more children. We ended up coming to find out because of my autoimmune disease and my reproductive issues, I actually can't have more children. And so I'm so grateful I chose that time. But I lived kind of in a bubble. You know, I was working so hard to have my daughter and I was working during that time in St. Paul Public Schools, and I was doing a dual role both as a teacher and as a teacher on special assignment, doing instructional coaching and some really emotional, emotional labor, we were doing a lot of work around equity and having courageous conversations around race and how we were bridging those things, even into like our math curriculum. And it was a lot of work. And it was all good work. But while growing a baby, it was a lot. But I have this sense of resilience about me that I you know, I know the infinite growth potential, and anybody can do anything, but I know that about myself. And so I did that. And then for the year that I had my daughter, I was like in a bubble. But unfortunately, my daughter was diagnosed with a genetic disorder when she was three months old. That was, again, a huge trauma in my life, she's fine and wonderful, but she has a genetic disorder called Hemi hyperplasia. And so her legs are different sizes, both in length and in girth. And that is no big issue, we just need to monitor it, she wears a lift in a shoe, potentially is going to need surgery on her growth plate so that her legs are of equal length that she goes into adulthood, and it has less impact on her hips and joints. But the big issue was that she's an increased risk for abdominal tumors. And it was a whole situation even getting her in to get an ultrasound being misdiagnosed and going to oncologists and vascular specialists and all these things. Because when we did get the ultrasound, there was a mass and in her stomach, and they've never been able to identify what it was. And I say was because it disappeared after, it was about a year, but it disappeared. And that relates to me to a lot of my healing journey because I would sit with her and pray with her every night. And I felt this like light energy coming through me and like over her. And it's unexplained still, what the mass was and how it just disappeared. But I just have this knowing in the sense of otherness that was there and true love. And it was quite amazing. But it was this bubble of the year. And even though there was all that trauma around that and her diagnosis, I was isolated from the world. I wasn't on social media either. At that time, I chose to join social media when she was about nine months old, because I wanted to start being more connected and things. One of the reasons I was never on social media was because of my mother's murderer and not wanting to him to have access to me. So it was a big, brave step for me, you know, doing, taking the leap. But then after that, when I went back to work, it was just like, I wanted to do all of the things. I wanted to have a clean house and to be be a mom to my daughter when I was home and do the job. And I worked part time. So I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. But I was checking my emails and getting phone calls all day on Mondays and Fridays while I was trying to be present in home with my daughter, and plan all the meals and be healthy and do all of these things. And then in the midst of it, we had an election year was 2016. And I was, you know, working fervently on social justice. And when Trump got elected, like the walls of the reality that I was living in, came crashing down. And it was a catalyst for me. I started experiencing panic attacks on my way to work. When I would be listening to NPR and hear different things I had to stop listening to the radio. I had never experienced panic attacks like that, where I would start to black out where it was constantly living in a state of fear and fatigue and... amazing what we can sustain
Amy Hallberg 24:05
So many people, people who are survivors of trauma. [Trump] really triggered a lot of things intentionally, I believe, but like a lot of people, he brought things out in us that we thought we had overcome. And actually listening to you talk about this, I think about how accomplishment is another addiction for smart girls who have been victimized by the society. Okay, right, but we're going to overachieve. And we're going to accomplish, we will demonstrate that we are worthy and not just worthy but better than equal to the task. And it comes crashing down around us. You're the mother of a young child, as this guy is coming into office too. So it's not just you like I will survive, right? But it's got to also be and how am I going to bring my daughter up in the world that a man like this is going to shape
Robin Richards 24:59
the reality for me was that I pushed through and made it through that school year. But after that, I realized that my priority was on what I had at home and my daughter and making sure that she had the best of me to be able to provide her with all of the tools so that she can navigate this world that is going to be full of all different types of people. And sometimes there will be terror. And so yeah, I ended up resigning my position in in St. Paul Public Schools in the summer of 2017. And I have looked back, because I love the students and teaching and all of that. But my wellness journey evolved so much through the rest of you know, the last four years that I've realized that teaching doesn't always have to come in the form of just being a public school educator. That was what I thought as a first generation college graduate. And, you know, the daughter of a barber who just wanted me and he was a custodian at one point, so like leveling up was being a teacher, right. And that definitely was a fit for me and something that I needed to do as part of my learning. And I'm so proud of that portion of my career. But where I'm at now is realizing that we need teachers in all different roles in our world in life. And a huge piece of the world right now is that we all need to become our own healers and become empowered in healing, because we each have a journey and a story that we have the opportunity if we choose to unpacked so that's, you know, really, where Robins wellness has come into play for me in this next chapter in in my life.
Amy Hallberg 26:56
Well, thank you so much for sharing that story. I hope that we can continue this conversation in an upcoming episode and we're going to talk about forgiveness and healing and what that looked like for you. So thank you so much for being with me here today, Robin.
Robin Richards 27:11
Thank you so much, Amy. The depth of this is just so beautiful. And thank you listeners. How wonderful.
Amy Hallberg 27:19
Thanks for listening to Courageous Wordsmith. Today's episode featured Robin Richards. You can read about her and check out her links in the show notes. Backstage at Courageous Wordsmith: my editor is the talented Will Queen and my social media manager is the fabulous Maddy Kelley. If you enjoy this podcast, you can help it thrive and grow organically. Please subscribe right on this page. Share with your friends and sign up for True Lines, my letter for real life creatives so that you can stay current with future episodes. As thanks, you'll get my free PDF booklet, creative engagement, balance and boundaries for collaboration. This beautiful PDF booklet will show you how to design sustainable and nurturing partnerships with people you trust to witness your work in progress so that you can amplify your creativity, unpack promising shiny objects and honor your autonomous spirit. You'll find that in the links or you can learn more at AmyHallberg.com. I am Amy Hallberg until we meet again, travel safely.